Conversation can bring us together, but there is a major faux pas that can tear us apart. Allow me to explain.
Just the other day, while sitting at my work station, I overheard two men speaking to each other. I’m not entirely certain what the topic of their conversation entailed, but they seemed to be trying to make sense of something that seemed rather complicated. While not really focused on the content of their conversation, I was transfixed by a phenomenon I quickly noticed. Person A would begin a sentence, and about 75% of the way into his spiel, Person B chimed in with his own lengthy monologue. However, Person A didn’t stopped talking. Thus Person A and Person B were talking at the exact same time and no one was listening to what the other person was saying. I found that fascinating! So I tried to pay attention, not so much to the specifics of their conversation, but to the communication style of talking over each other.
And it continued – non-stop – for the next 6 or 7 minutes! Fascinating! I would say there were moments only one person was talking, and then, like magic, both were talking over each other, for extended periods! A part of me wondered if they were rehearsing a skit for Saturday Night Live – it was that funny! But I also wondered how they could possibly process the totality of what the other party as saying if they both were formulating their own sentences and spewing them out while the other person was still speaking.
Listening was almost non-existent!
I had another experience shortly before that one. I was on a phone call with a gentleman who wanted some information from me. That person would speak quite a bit, and then pose a question to me. I would then start to answer that question, but 10% into my answer, meaning, after a sentence or two from me, as I started to utter my third sentence, the questioner would cut me off and begin speaking. I would stop to listen, then I would be asked another question. And the process would repeat itself; after a mere few seconds of my speaking, the other party interrupted me again and began talking over me, not allowing me to finish what I was saying. And then it happened a third time, and I, unfortunately, got flustered and said so: “Excuse me, but why are you asking me questions and then cutting me off and talking over me before I even finish giving you the answer that you were seeking? If you want to hear my answer, let me finish speaking without interrupting me. If you don’t want to hear my answer, then please don’t ask me to provide an answer.”
That, of course, offended the other party, who then made it worse by offering some insults and then hanging up on me.
But I think what I said sank in to the interrupter, because when we spoke again on the phone about a week later, I noticed he seemed to be very focused on not interrupting. Progress!
Interrupting someone is one of the ruder acts we can engage in. When we interrupt someone, we are basically telling that person that we do not value them. We are signaling that we believe what they have to say is not worth our time.
It takes real self-control to resist the urge to speak when someone else is speaking. And admittedly, if someone is needlessly long-winded, meaning, if time is short and the person is a pontificating wind-bag, one may need to take control of the pace and flow of the conversation to keep it on track. Also, I am fully aware that when two friends on warm terms are talking about something social in an excited manner, it is often understood and acceptable to jump in with enthusiasm and interject a bit when solidifying or supporting or amplifying what the other person is saying. However, when conversations involve serious matters, it is wise to refrain from speaking over someone.
You glean much more knowledge and insight when you are listening than when you are speaking. Strive to remain silent and in a listening mode when others are speaking. Pay attention. Assume they know things you do not know. Be disciplined about the timing of your own verbalizing. Commit to being a master-listener. You’ll be amazed at the quality the conversations will take, and you will be a joy to be around. Try it, and watch how the positive results unfold.
