My profession (and my nature) finds me in the enviable position of being able to observe others, especially how others interact with those around them. It’s a great learning experience. Although I am a professional speaker, and thus, find myself now and then up on a platform in front of an audience, I realize it is difficult to always know how I am coming across. Listening to others, however, and speaking less, opens up a great amount of learning for me. Simply observing others provides even more opportunities to assess people and the ways in which they conduct themselves.
In one professional venue I frequent, I regularly witness low-level employees interacting with other low-level employees. I stand back and watch. The patterns are always the same: talking about themselves, their problems, their needs, their wants, their plans, their past triumphs and accomplishments, etc. These individuals are self-absorbed, but they don’t seem to notice something: the people they are speaking to are, for the most part, uninterested in them.
In a different segment of that same venue, I observed a large, burly man who is in charge of Security say the following to a female co-worker: “It’s a good thing I’m a black belt in Judo or I could have been in over my head.” He had just finished telling her about a physical altercation he had once been involved in. Given that the female employee was somewhat attractive, I suspect the man in question wanted her to know he is capable of handling himself against thugs.
I know another gentlemen, a great guy really, in a completely different venue, speak to a senior-level executive of a major client company I work with. While giving a project update to the senior executive, this fellow uttered the following unnecessary words: “Well, you know, I am just a simple man. . . Or, actually, I should say, I am actually a very complex man. . .” The content of that statement was wholly irrelevant to the purpose of that meeting. So why did he say it? While I cannot be certain, I would suggest the reason he said that is because the moment he claimed he was a simple man, he feared such a statement might be construed to mean he is not all that bright; he’s a simpleton. Therefore, he quickly tried to recover by going to the opposite extreme and claim he is actually a complex man, meaning he is highly intelligent, comfortable with complexity, adept at untangling the messy strands associated with intricate problems, and therefore he is valuable to the organization.
But what did the senior executive hearing this think? Again, one can only guess. I suspect the senior executive saw it as an example of that fellow trying to bolster his reputation, trying to be seen in a certain favorable light, and the executive probably thought, briefly, “Well which is it? Are you simple, or are you complex? And why are you telling me this at all?”
I think all of us could go back to the late great Dale Carnegie, who, in his wonderful book How to Win Friends and Influence People, encouraged readers to interact with others by finding out about them, by showing interest in others and not focus too much on self. Carnegie was right. People who sincerely strive to get to know others, and then listen carefully, will glean much valuable insight into the mind and heart of others. We will be far less boring, and far less self-absorbed. And we’ll gain insights we would not otherwise attain.
