I have been a participant in many conversations over the last year about relationships.

I’m talking about male-female romantic relationships.

Many of these conversations have involved current or former college students of mind. Many others have involved peers of mine. Sometimes the conversation involves a person who wants to be in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex – a young man seeking to have a committed girlfriend, or vice-versa, or an adult peer of mine who has been divorced for quite a while (or even recently divorced) and they seek the companionship of a new relationship. In other cases, I might be talking with a woman who is married but is not happy in her relationship (or a man who is married but feels disillusioned because he no longer feels a connection with his wife.)

I don’t feel as if I have any magic expertise in such conversations. Mostly I listen. After all, I’m not much different than the people who turn to me for advice. I’m a 66-year-old man who was married for roughly 30 years and who has been divorced for several years. What do I know about such matters?

After much pondering, here is what I’ve come to believe.

Relationships, like employment, is about “fit.” And “fit” has to work both ways. It’s truly a two-way street. Person A may be very attracted to (and committed to) Person B. Great! But that’s only half the battle. Person B may, for whatever reason, only be somewhat attracted to Person A. If that “somewhat” level doesn’t get elevated, there’s not going to be the needed “fit” and, like a pair of shoes that are two sizes too small, it’s just not going to work.

But here’s the other reality: there are many relationships out there that do work! That’s the good news. When I find two people that are in a healthy, committed relationship, I often ask them how this union actually connected. I’m often told that they had been in other relationships prior, or that they had been dating other people, but that the fit wasn’t quite there until they crossed paths with each other. And then the magic happened. There was a perfect or near-perfect fit!

That tells me there is hope.

And that is what I am reminding the people I converse with. Never give up. You never know when you’re going to turn the corner and find that special someone where the attraction and the commitment is totally mutual.

One last thought: we would do well to put much more energy into bettering ourselves, making ourselves more attractive, more financially stable, more physically fit, and more socially adept.