By habit, we often greet each other with the question, “How are you doing?” or some variation thereof (“How are you?” “How are things going?” “What’s going on?” What’s been happening lately?”)
We generally don’t ask such questions with absolute seriousness. We’re just being polite. In many instances, we don’t really care how the person is doing, or at best we care with minimal curiosity.
Likewise, when we are asked such a question, we don’t usually plan on opening up in any profound way. We respond with canned replies which we have been conditioned to offer. Like Pavlov’s dogs, we usually offer the rote, “Great.” Or, “I’m fine.” Or, “Everything is going well.” And we usually follow such glib, safe responses with trying to get the spotlight off us and back on to the inquirer, in an attempt at role-reversal: “I’m great; how are things going with you?” Or, “Doing fine. How about you?”
I have a close friend, DY, who is an exceptional man. Decent in every way, kind to an unusual degree, intelligent, thoughtful, virtuous. DY is a rare bird; he’s likeable, funny, moral, and wise. He’s a good friend to have.
Recently, in a text message, DY asked the question differently. His wording is the title of this column. Recognizing the inauthenticity of the way the query is usually posed, Dave added a word that moved his question from the realm of the ordinary and placed it in the realm of the extraordinary: “How are you really doing?”
Such wording suggests authenticity, true interest, deeper inquiry than what is normal. DY is in a class by himself.
How did I answer his question?
I didn’t. I deferred. I said I would ruminate on that question and get back to him. Knowing he is a regular reader of Uncommon Sense, he will get at least a partial answer now.
Nine days ago I had some online communication with an important individual in my life. The communication was of a business nature. And the communication, while quite brief, was somewhat disconcerting to me. I wasn’t totally certain I understood the underlying motives of the communication coming to me, but I had a slight sense of foreboding, as if some portent of ominous circumstances were gathering force. I was kind of down about that, concerned, primarily due to the ambiguous and uncertain nature of the communication. A few days later, further interaction with this VIP went from bad to worse. I was reeling. A dark could hung over me.
But later circumstances seemed to put the problems to bed. Circumstances improved. And then additional circumstances in other realms of my life brought very good fortune, even as other, smaller aspects of my life remained problematic, though manageable.
Another area of my life started to crater, only to be replaced by yet other developments that caused me to soar.
What does one make of all of this?
My life, and your life, is somewhat akin to a snapshot of the weather. Warmth is followed by cooling. Wind is followed by stillness. Misfortune followed by fortune. A recurring archetype seems to be the perpetual contrasts in our lives. An ancient prophet spoke ponderously about life being punctuated by opposition in all things.
So how am I really doing?
It depends on the moment the question is posed. But the answer will remain a moving target, as I vacillate between hot and cold, confident and worried, clear and murky, healthy and infirm.
Knowing this, I can say with confidence that I’m doing great. Really! I’m doing great because I am confident that whatever ill-fortune comes my way will, sooner or later, be replaced with good fortune. And then the cycle will likely repeat, indefinitely.
I can handle that.
And so can you.
